One thing I REALLY hate...

WARNING! Parental Advisory WARNING!

This post contains profanities that you may not want your kids to view. (but are 100% totally justified).

- Tipper Gore eat your fucking heart out.

I am usually pretty passive. Not much makes me want to empty an Uzi But if there is one thing that will get me to go totally ballistic, that will get me to pull my hair out, the thing that wastes my time, are those stupid programs that some total jerk downloads onto MY PC HARD DRIVE. I have one very simple message to all of you:

STAY OFF MY, SHAUN BRIAN'S, I REPEAT; MY PRIVATE, PERSONAL, HARD DRIVE - YOU ARE INVADING MY SPACE.

I paid for it, not you. To all those useless, pathetic, cheap, dot crooks, that think they can download, upload, install programs, dial-ups, borrow storage space or even just add fun icons for the kids, on MY hard drive without my express and written permission, you are scum of the earth. Stay away from my machine. You are not Invited.

I hate it when I have just finished loading a WEB page, and I still have bits and bytes streaming into my machine at 1000mbits per second.

I hate that I have to check my PC for new, unsolicited files every time I log off. I do not appreciate a new search engine every time I log on. I do not appreciate some new 'turn your PC from a 386 to a Pentium 19' software, even if it is free of charge.

My dial-up is fine, I do not want to dial Norway, the land of snow and naked amateur girls. I can only look at so much internet porn in a day, and my favourites are sorted, so fuck off! (or Jerk-off)

I do not appreciate having to supervise my kids just because their PC has been 'Specially selected to choose a naked Russian mail order bride'.

I do not want to set my machine to the Fort Knox security setting, that says:

'Are you sure you want to press letter 'A'?'

'Are you positive'

'Capital or small letter?',

'Must I ask you this question every time you want to press 'A'?'

'Are you sure the answer is 'No'?'.

It is MY machine.

Besides, it doesn't seem to help. And as for you, the jerk that says: 'WARNING: Someone is hacking into your system and stealing your identity, wife and kids, so buy my software NOW!', how the hell do you know? You shouldn't be their either.

If I found one of you fuckers in my house, I would.....ask you to leave? Politely, as you look through my dirty laundry, while you watch me page through the newspaper? Not a chance, I would kick your arse right out of there, you unsolicited intruder. I would set the dogs on you. I would call the cops and load the shotgun, I would run you down, you vermin.

Explaining that I did not actually choose to visit 'Young Boys Looking Horny dot cock' cost me my last relationship. Bugger, now you think you can send me more adult sites that download automatically, so automatically that they hack my banking software and withdraw their own monthly fees. Based on a per unrequested view basis.

So here is my plan of action:

1. I am hereby telling all of you cheap shits to stay away from MY hard drive. I will shoot to kill.

2. I will be creating a new site, which is open to all (except the guilty ones), to name and shame these cowards.

3. We will find out who their CEO's, Managers and programmers are and we will spam, spam, spam,spam,spam,spam,spaM,spAM,sPAM,SPAM them. With gross porn, with Rottendotgross we will SPAMSPAMSPAM them. WIth pictures of their mothers in compromising positions we wil SPAM them.

4. You will have Spam, Spam, Spam and eggs for breakfast, Spam, spam,spam,spam and toast for all other snacks and meals and spam for dinner.

5. We will name the host sites, and we will not relent.

By the way, since time is money, you owe me US$1,500,000.00 for my time wasted and the years off my life.

You have been warned! Trespassers will be SPAMMED, SPAM LOVELY SPAM!

Are there any class action lawyers out there? Oh shit, one is being automatically downloaded now.

and now for something completely different...

Scene: A cafe. One table is occupied by a group of Vikings.
A husband and wife enter.

Man (Eric Idle): You sit here, dear.

Wife (Graham Chapman in drag): All right.Man (to Waitress): Morning!

Waitress (Terry Jones, in drag): Morning!

Husband: Well, what've you got?

Waitress: Well, there's egg and bacon; egg, sausage, and bacon; egg and spam; egg, bacon, and spam; egg, bacon, sausage, and spam; spam, bacon, sausage, and spam; spam, egg, spam, spam, bacon, and spam; spam, sausage, spam, spam, bacon, spam, tomato, and spam;

Vikings (starting to chant): Spam spam spam spam...

Waitress: ...spam, spam, spam, egg, and spam; spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, baked beans, spam, spam, spam...

Vikings (singing): Spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam!

Waitress: ...or Lobster Thermidor a Crevette with a mornay sauce served in a Provencale manner with shallots and aubergines garnished with truffle pate, brandy and with a fried egg on top and spam.

Wife: Have you got anything without spam?

Waitress: Well, there's spam, egg, sausage, and spam, that's not got much spam in it.

Wife: I don't want ANY spam!

Husband: Why can't she have egg, bacon, spam, and sausage?

Wife: THAT'S got spam in it!

Husband: Hasn't got as much spam in it as spam, egg, sausage, and spam, has it?

Vikings: Spam spam spam spam (crescendo through next few lines)

Wife: Could you do the egg bacon spam and sausage without the spam then?

Waitress: Urgghh!

Wife: What do you mean 'Urgghh'? I don't like spam!

Vikings: Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!)

Waitress: Shut up!

Vikings: Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!

Waitress: Shut up! (Vikings stop) Bloody Vikings! You can't have egg, bacon, spam, and sausage without the spam.

Wife (shrieks): I don't like spam!

Husband: Sshh, dear, don't cause a fuss. I'll have your spam. I love it. I'm having spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, beaked beans, spam, spam, spam, and spam!

Vikings (singing): Spam, spam, spam, spam. Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!

Waitress: Shut up!! Baked beans are off.

Husband: Well could I have her spam instead of the baked beans then?

Waitress: You mean spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam... (but it is too late and the Vikings drown her words)

Vikings (singing elaborately): Spam spam spam spam. Lovely spam! Wonderful spam! Spam spa-a-a-am spam spa-a-a-am spam. Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Spam spam spam spam!

Spam Song

Spam! Spam! Spam! Spam!Lovely Spaaam! Wonderful Spaaam!
Lovely Spaaam!
Wonderful Spam.
Spa-a-a-a-a-a-a-am.Spa-a-a-a-a-a-a-am.Spa-a-a-a-a-a-a-am.Spa-a-a-a-a-a-a-am.
Lovely Spaaam! (Lovely Spam!)
Lovely Spaaam! (Lovely Spam!)
Lovely Spaaam!Spaaam, Spaaam, Spaaam, Spaaaaaam!

Lyrics by: Terry Jones and Michael Palin
Music by: Terry Jones, Michael Palin and Fred Tomlinson
Arranged by: Fred Tomlinson