One thing I REALLY hate...
STAY OFF MY, SHAUN BRIAN'S, I REPEAT; MY PRIVATE, PERSONAL, HARD DRIVE - YOU ARE INVADING MY SPACE.
I paid for it, not you. To all those useless, pathetic, cheap, dot crooks, that think they can download, upload, install programs, dial-ups, borrow storage space or even just add fun icons for the kids, on MY hard drive without my express and written permission, you are scum of the earth. Stay away from my machine. You are not Invited.
I hate it when I have just finished loading a WEB page, and I still have bits and bytes streaming into my machine at 1000mbits per second.
I hate that I have to check my PC for new, unsolicited files every time I log off. I do not appreciate a new search engine every time I log on. I do not appreciate some new 'turn your PC from a 386 to a Pentium 19' software, even if it is free of charge.
My dial-up is fine, I do not want to dial Norway, the land of snow and naked amateur girls. I can only look at so much internet porn in a day, and my favourites are sorted, so fuck off! (or Jerk-off)
I do not appreciate having to supervise my kids just because their PC has been 'Specially selected to choose a naked Russian mail order bride'.
I do not want to set my machine to the Fort Knox security setting, that says:
'Are you sure you want to press letter 'A'?'
'Are you positive'
'Capital or small letter?',
'Must I ask you this question every time you want to press 'A'?'
'Are you sure the answer is 'No'?'.
It is MY machine.
If I found one of you fuckers in my house, I would.....ask you to leave? Politely, as you look through my dirty laundry, while you watch me page through the newspaper? Not a chance, I would kick your arse right out of there, you unsolicited intruder. I would set the dogs on you. I would call the cops and load the shotgun, I would run you down, you vermin.
Explaining that I did not actually choose to visit 'Young Boys Looking Horny dot cock' cost me my last relationship. Bugger, now you think you can send me more adult sites that download automatically, so automatically that they hack my banking software and withdraw their own monthly fees. Based on a per unrequested view basis.
So here is my plan of action:
1. I am hereby telling all of you cheap shits to stay away from MY hard drive. I will shoot to kill.
2. I will be creating a new site, which is open to all (except the guilty ones), to name and shame these cowards.
3. We will find out who their CEO's, Managers and programmers are and we will spam, spam, spam,spam,spam,spam,spaM,spAM,sPAM,SPAM them. With gross porn, with Rottendotgross we will SPAMSPAMSPAM them. WIth pictures of their mothers in compromising positions we wil SPAM them.
4. You will have Spam, Spam, Spam and eggs for breakfast, Spam, spam,spam,spam and toast for all other snacks and meals and spam for dinner.
By the way, since time is money, you owe me US$1,500,000.00 for my time wasted and the years off my life.
You have been warned! Trespassers will be SPAMMED, SPAM LOVELY SPAM!
Are there any class action lawyers out there? Oh shit, one is being automatically downloaded now.
A husband and wife enter.
Man (Eric Idle): You sit here, dear.
Spam Song
Spam! Spam! Spam! Spam!Lovely Spaaam! Wonderful Spaaam!
Lovely Spaaam!
Wonderful Spam.
Spa-a-a-a-a-a-a-am.Spa-a-a-a-a-a-a-am.Spa-a-a-a-a-a-a-am.Spa-a-a-a-a-a-a-am.
Lovely Spaaam! (Lovely Spam!)
Lovely Spaaam! (Lovely Spam!)
Lovely Spaaam!Spaaam, Spaaam, Spaaam, Spaaaaaam!
Lyrics by: Terry Jones and Michael Palin
Music by: Terry Jones, Michael Palin and Fred Tomlinson
Arranged by: Fred Tomlinson
Click here to read the rest!